I am a cloud of chemicals morphing and reaching a state of chrysalis and turning into something fresh and bold.
It’s certainly been an interesting ride since starting hormones around 4 months ago. A huge amount has changed in how I see myself and how the world perceives me.
I have just recently upped my estrogen and have finally started to take a small amount of T-blocker. I was lucky enough to already have low testosterone so hopefully it wont take much to bring those levels down to where they should be. I’m feeling a lot more emotional and definitely responding to situations in different ways. I also been honing in on this sub-conscious/pheromonal level as my body rewires itself to attune to different frequencies.
I’ve found that now I can connect and not feel so out-of-place around people especially around female friends who have been distant in the past. It’s a beautiful pat of this change. Doorways to conversations are taking different paths and I’m feeling more confident about making connections with people again.
My life however, is restricted by the chronic pain I have lived in for nearly 11 months now. I have little, to no social life anymore. It’s hard to manage this on top of everything else. I try to write, to paint, but the last few months as my pain has increased my output has dropped. I have plans for more artwork and writing but everyday is a different battle. Some days are o.k and most days its bad.
I can’t move forwards and plan my future properly until my injury is better. My entire life is on hold and the longer it gets the more entrenched it becomes. It’s a cycle of painkillers and then going off them and just dealing with the pain for a week and then back onto the painkillers. The cyclic notion is repetitive and puts my body and mind through additional stresses. I have tried alternative therapies as well as traditional, but holistically whilst my mental states has improved vastly my physical state has remained the same.
I don’t want to write too much on this other than to say if I don’t seem like I have a lot of output sometimes in both my art and my writing, this is most probably why. It’s not an excuse either it’s just another part of the complexity of my life right now.