I am officially enrolled in a Bachelor of Social Sciences with a major in Behavioural Studies. I start in a couple of weeks. It’s an online course so it’s flexible and perfect for my life.
Something, somewhat solid has appeared.
This will put me in a better place to help my people, the Trans/Gender Diverse in the future. The psychology components will also help me understand myself a bit better as well. I’m pretty excited to be learning again and really feel that I have finally found some way out the murky no-woman’s land I have been in since injuring myself.
I am also about to start volunteering in a program that goes out and visits marginalised, elder GLBTQI people. I did my interview and training on Saturday and it just felt really good to be part of something that helps people.
One of the biggest changes in me since I started this journey is just how much my personality has softened and how that feels so very right for me. I still have some of that hardness, especially when my boundaries are stood upon, but generally I am much happier being empathic and compassionate towards others. It’s such an amazing turn around from the selfish and extremely guarded person I used to be. Along with all the physical changes that I’m feeling as well, like my skin softening, breasts budding, hair growth diminishing, it all feels just so right. It’s a slow peaceful change too, the complete opposite to what I felt with testosterone treatments years ago.
It constantly amazes me how powerful hormones are, it’s something that gives Trans people that beautiful and unique perspective. It’s powerful knowledge to have some understanding of how both sexes fundamentally think.
I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been through all this negative stuff lately and how it’s made me wiser, stronger and more resilient. I’ve grown and evolved and learnt how to stand up for myself. I know how not to get into trouble and the more I live my life with this authentic truth in myself the more I can see how many people don’t really do that in their lives. I can see what I used to be in other people and it makes me wonder just how many people hide their true natures from the public. It makes me sad that I used to think that hiding things was the only way. That my mind was culturally programmed to do this. When I see the same behaviours from others now, I have compassion because I can see parts of the old me in them and that’s just downright bloody sad. I’ve come a long way and I’ve still got a long journey ahead and I’ll always be learning and there will be much tripping and stumbling as always. But, I’m getting better at it, more graceful than before as well as listening and understanding people.
Great change is painful and hard.
Time and Pressure = Diamonds
That’s the mantra that I keep going through my head when it gets rough. I constantly remind myself that for all this shit there is good coming up ahead, I’m so used to it now that I kind of expect it. For instance, when I stood on the Great Pyramid of Giza last year, I was crying to myself thinking of how amazing and how grateful I was to be there, and in the back of my mind I was like, the low from this is going to pretty bad. Three months later I tore a disc in my spine and almost a year on from that and I’m still in chronic pain. It all evens out in my journey. I totally accept it these days. I no longer fight it. I stay present and go with the flow.
The best part is I’m still smiling. I love being Trans and wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve got my confidence back, I’ve even started dating again. I’m learning how to navigate this single world as Penny. Interestingly enough, I haven’t been filled with nerves or anxiety. I have enough confidence back in myself, that for me, it’s about what the other person can bring to the table. Can they make me laugh ? Are they interesting enough for me ? Will I get bored with them ? Can I trust them ? Do they see me for what I really am ? Do they dream of things ?
I accept and love myself in a positive way. I’m not looking for co-dependency. I’m looking for co-operation and someone who is complimentary to me.
Dating is an interesting process. I had a couple of dates with a gender diverse person that I met on the internet and it was o.k. We got along, had similar interests and ideas, all that jazz, but there just wasn’t a spark. It felt like a bit of an obligation.
On the other hand I went out independently and met someone at a birthday party and from my perspective it was a much more real and electric experience. I hadn’t felt that kind of spark for years. It totally threw me. We spoke for nearly three hours and I didn’t want to leave but my body is broken and so I had to go. Then this person proceeded to beg me not to leave and gave me their number. They made it very clear they were very interested in hanging out with me again. I haven’t been hit on like that for years and it was really quite flattering. I was actually glowing and I kept that buzz in my heart for the next couple of days.
It was my first positive “Penny getting out there” experience and I enjoyed that feeling. It felt good that someone just accepted me for whom I was, it was totally natural.
It was such a markedly different feeling to the pre-arranged, on-line dating thing. I now know which one I liked better and felt more aligned for me. It could also just be those people involved but time will tell. I keen to do more experimenting anyway. It’s fun.
The way I see it right now is that I would rather randomly meet people than try to force it through the internet. But I will persevere for a bit longer as it gives me something to do and I like meeting new people and hearing their stories.
Here’s my new look as of 5+months HRT 7-6-2017. Nearly 2 years of Transition all up.
And here’s a few more thousand dots added to my Paintings.
Until next time, stay strong, be yourself and be visible xxoo