I found out officially last year around September, October that I was indeed gender dysphoric and that is what was creating huge problems in my life. Over a year earlier I had come out openly about aspects of my sexuality and this in turn then gave me the freedom to start exploring my gender more deeply. No longer restricted by the false identity I had created, I was now able to explore who I really was on the inside. I first identified through psychotherapy in dealing with my PTSD that I was two spirited. For me, at the time, this meant that I moved between the masculine and the feminine. I felt comfortable in this place until I moved to another state and had to re-establish myself. This is where I got a little lost again. I had stopped my therapy as I thought I was in a good place and started working full-time after 4 months off. The combination of two stressful jobs, one which required a huge amount of responsibility was starting to take its toll on me. I met another transgender woman around this time and I refused to relate to her dysphoria immediately. I could empathize but I just repressed it in myself quite aggressively. A part of me wanted to fight me being fully feminised and I was unaware of the damage this was causing to the relationships around me. Eventually I would get myself into a situation were I couldn’t explain what was happening or how I had gotten there and I I broke. The pressure of resisting my full identity as a transgender person was killing me.
I got into a great queer/gender friendly clinic, got an amazing Doctor who referred me to an amazing therapist who focuses on trans/gender diverse people and BOOM, finally the pieces of the puzzle started fitting together. Once I got on Estrogen everything started to align like I have written about previously.
Now I’m in this state of gender euphoria, where I’m happy with where I am and the recognition I am receiving as a Transgender woman. The more I am with my people, the more I am able to go out and feel safe about whom I am.
It’s been an interesting journey of identity so far and I don’t think transition ever stops, really. It’s different for every single one of us. There is a huge range of diversity amongst the transgender community and for those of us that don’t fit the binary it’s even more of a struggle.
Some of the person stories of hardship I have heard lately make me really angry. As a dysphoric person I should be able to alleviate the symptoms of gender dysphoria through any means necessary to what my inner ideal of that is. That’s not something that is always binary and this needs to be recognised by the medical community rather than trying to make us fit a certain mould that they think is right for us. I am hoping that in the future I don’t have similar experiences. I worry for my friends and I see the damage being done to people that is totally inappropriate, Doctors forcing people to take certain pathways that they are not comfortable with.
No-one has the right to police someone’s gender or sexual identity yet medical gate-keeping seems to be trying to remove the diversity of the transgender community and make us all into binary transgender women.
There’s a lot of things that need addressing and soon a whole group of powerful Transgender, Gender Diverse people are going to start to try to change things with making access to correct healthcare pathways, de-stigmatization and up to date information available as well as making ourselves as visible as possible and supporting others doing the same thing.
The future is going to pretty cool, now, if I could just get a new spine please ?